The Importance of Being Metal: Black Sabbath-Sabbath Bloody Sabbath

1973; Clearwell Castle, Gloucestershire, England; Vertigo Records
http://www.blacksabbath.com/

1. Is It Any Good?

A bunch of people like this album a lot because of how different it is from the rest of Black Sabbath's golden age material, and honestly, to me, the things that make this album different from stuff like Master of Reality and their self-titled debut are also the things that make it kind of lame in a lot of places.

First of all, and this is big, the guitar work on this album is really sloppy when compared to other records. Maybe it's just the fact that I don't have a remastered copy, but my copy of Paranoid is one of those bunk-ass editions that have the "may expose the limitations of analog recording equipment" on the back as well, and it wasn't anywhere near this squeaky. Seriously, at a certain point you're left wondering if Iommi dipped the neck of his guitar in butter while he was in the recording studio, because the chord transitions are extremely obvious and, in some places, very distracting. It's a shame, since Tony Iommi is pretty much a riff genius and the sliding really detracts from some killer hooks.

When there are killer hooks to be had at all, that is. See, for a good portion of this album, Black Sabbath decided to include orchestral arrangements and keyboards because, I dunno, that's what a "serious" band has to do, at some point? The point is, it misses far more than it hits. As a matter of fact, the best track by leaps and bounds, "A National Acrobat", is the only one that's straight-up, no nonsense guitar, bass, drums and vocals. Truthfully, it's a spooky, doomy, haunting song that stands as one of their absolute best on any album.

Likewise, the title track, while very different from the usual Sabbath fare, is a pretty excellent underdog anthem, and "Sabbra Cadabra" might be the only Black Sabbath song you could feasibly dance to-trust me, it actually works. The horns, keyboard and barroom piano all coalesce nicely to make one of their most jumpin' tracks, and it's honestly a lot of fun.

Unfortunately, the rest of the album doesn't hold up nearly so well. "Fluff", while kinda pretty, is precisely what it sounds like-instrumental filler, and besides which, "pretty" probably isn't what you're looking for when you turn on a Black Sabbath record. "Killing Yourself To Live" works in places, but it displays Sabbath's fundamental misunderstanding of what makes for a good psychedelic song(hint-it's not Ozzy randomly proclaiming "Smoke it...GET HIGH!!" during the bridge for no discernible reason), and after a certain point it gets too goofy to really pay much mind to. "Looking For Today" can actually be described as being upbeat, which is basically, like...fuck that completely for a song that shows up on a Black Sabbath album.

None of those songs, though, match the goofy, embarrassing failure of a song that is "Who Are You?" This is the most keyboard heavy song on the album, and to answer your question, no, they are not the tasteful sounding kind of keyboards. They're the "wom-zee-wow-bee-wom-pychuu" kind of keyboards, and they turn what should be a foreboding, ominous dirge into the band's silliest fuckup next to the entirety of Technical Ecstasy. It's not a freethrow that bounces off the rim, it's an attempted dunk that somehow manages to miss the net completely, give you a wedgie and kill your grandparents in midair.

Sabbath Bloody Sabbath has some great moments, but ultimately can't live up to the metalness of the album title or the cover art. Keyboards and strings had worked for Black Sabbath in small doses on earlier albums, but this album proved that the band couldn't structure an entire record around anything outside of their core instruments.

That said, they would keep trying to do so anyway for a few more albums until they imploded and started sucking for the next decade or so. LSD, folks: It fucks with the mind.

2. Is It "Influential"?

A surprising number of people have covered the title track, and like I stated earlier a lot of people seem to like this album for some reason, but their days of being a full-blown inspiration were behind them at this point.

3. Is It A Good Starting Point For Beginners?

A lot of it is listenable, but very few songs on it could be called exemplary and even fewer could be called a good example of the genre, or even a good example of Black Sabbath's style, for that matter. Look elsewhere.

-CJ

The Importance of Being Metal: Motorhead-Ace of Spades

1980; Jackson's Studios, Rickmansworth, UK; Bronze
http://www.imotorhead.com/


1. Is It Any Good?

Fuck Buttons, huh? That's pretty cool, all cerebral and metaphysical and shit. If you're a dude, though, you'll probably want to listen to this. As a matter of fact, they drafted it into the constitution that you're not officially a full-fledged adult male if you haven't listened to this album three times. There is a time for learning and deepness and there is a time for manhood. Ace of Spades is a time for Kickass.

A lot of things will happen while you listen to this album. Lemmy is going to tell you to fuck him like you were a lizard. He's going to talk about how awesome it is to travel across the country and hurt people and get hurt in fantastic ways. He's going to threaten to bone your wife and then kill you with a hammer just because he is sick of your shit.

He will, in no uncertain terms, detail how much he likes to screw teenage girls.

Gambling is a big part of this album. Drinking is too, along with murder and driving fast. While all of this is going on, you are going to have no less than four parts of your body exploded from Eddy Clarke's solos. Phil "Philthy Animal" Taylor behind the drums is no slouch himself. He doesn't really do much more than show up and do his job, but he does it well.

You're going to want to hit people after listening to this album. Not because you're angry or anything, just because it will seem like the right thing to do. You can dance to a lot of this album as well, but it has to be really sleazy and the chick has to look like something you found in the garage.

Ace of Spades is something of an anomaly in the metal world-it is something that all metalheads can unite behind and praise to the high heavens. I'm pretty sure Iron Maiden is the only other band that can pull that off. Music? Fuck that, dude, this is a way of life. And you're not a part of it, no you are not sir, but for 45 minutes you can pretend that you are. You can throw on the title track or "(We Are) The Road Crew" or "Please Don't Touch" and you'll feel like you're exactly as awesome as the people making this music. And what's great about that is that unlike power metal, which is supposed to give you the same feeling, this shit is something you could technically pull off. That fine-ass elf lady and that big sword and that scary motherfucker of a troll are always just going to be sitting around in your brain, or if you're ridiculously committed to this idea, they might be on a poster or in a book, and you can always visit them there.

Cars, though? Cars are real. Beer is real. Loose women are things you can actually put your hands on. And your fists? Those sonsabitches are attached to you! If you really wanted to, you could quit your job, steal some gym equipment, hook up with every sleazy bitch in town and in no time flat, you'd be living it up Lemmy style. Is it realistic, is it something that sounds like it could be maintained for all that long? Is it even something that'll be fun once you start doing it? Probably not.

But doesn't it sound like it could be?

Basically, what I'm saying is that from a conceptual level, metal doesn't get better than this. Nasty, dirty, low-down and mean. Ace of Spades. Get it.

2. Is It "Influential"?

The title track is basically the Headbanger's Siren: "Stop whatever you're doing and just rock the fuck out for a couple of minutes". If you're in a metal band and you don't follow this code...well, you're probably Slipknot. This album inspired the thrash movement, which inspired basically everything else that has to do with metal. If you're in a metal band and you ain't up for the Ace, you had best order some kind of extra-strength genetically modified diaper, because no human being could possibly be that full of bullshit.

3. Is It A Good Starting Point For Beginners?

Yes.

-CJ

Fuck Buttons - Tarot Sport

2009; ATP Recordings; Bristol, England

http://www.fuckbuttons.co.uk/

loud music, drunken foot races, saturated colors, jeans ripped from falling down, sweat, too sweat coffee, ice cream, late nights, broken tvs, burnt out couches, bonfires, hopped fences, spray paint, motion blur, tents, hot chocolate, saturday morning cartoons, black dress shoes, tree tops, carousels, stray cats, toy guns, water damage, screaming, cement floors, rain on a warm night, windshields, arguments about car ride soundtracks, fog, too many faces, asymmetry, dew-wet grass, sex, unfortunate tattoos, bad movie screenings, stale pop corn, crescent moons, stars, cut elbows and dance floors and empty subway stations and dive bars and the feeling that yes we are far too invincible.

Rolling Stone's "100 Best Albums Of The Decade" is the most horrible shit in the world

There have been some bad, bad, bad lists about what was the best of this decade, but this one takes the fucking cake.

Jesus.

I think "gutless" is the first word that comes to mind. And then "predictable". And then "wrong". I'm not going to tell you what's bad about it specifically, because I don't want to ruin our own list, but also because I don't really have to tell you why this list sucks, because you have a fucking brain.

If our own Top 100 list turns out to be as lame as this bullshit you have my permission to come into our homes and take our things.

-CJ

Things About Music That I'm Tired Of, Volume 1

• People referring to metal influences in a song as being a bad thing, unless it's a song by a band that doesn't usually incorporate metal into their music at all, in which case the song becomes "daring"
  
• Anything that anyone, anywhere might have to say about OK Computer
• Indie-folk songs about traveling
• Bands trying to incorporate dance influences into their music, and by "dance" I mean a goofy synthesizer line shoved in the middle of a bunch of generic rock instrumentation
• Any metal about feelings
• Muse
• People who don't understand anything about the blues talking about how Jimmy Page "stole" his riffs from blues musicians
• People who say that they hate country but love Johnny Cash-even I do this a lot and it's starting to piss me off
• Teenagers with opinions about The Clash
• People who talk about Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band in a manner that suggests that no album was recorded before Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
• Itunes Genius insisting that I will enjoy Ted Nugent because it noticed that I have Thin Lizzy albums
• Last.fm's inability to let you pause songs, making it a powerful music search engine less technologically advanced than a VCR
• A man with a guitar or a piano, covering a Bob Dylan song
• People who like technical death metal and can't admit that they listen to music that's boring as fuck
  
• The idea that Coldplay has anything to offer anyone who isn't an old woman or a baby
• Bono
• Anyone who doesn't have more than 3 rap albums in their collection and insists that It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back is one of the greatest albums of all time
• Any thought that may pass through Brendan Flowers' head
• Otherwise diverse "Best of the '60s" lists that are frontloaded with Beatles albums
• Nu-Metal apologists
• Everything about Sufjan Stevens
  
• The notion that any and all Black Sabbath records that weren't recorded with Ozzy and aren't Dehumanizer are anything less than odious
• The idea that punk is somehow a less retarded genre than heavy metal, claimed by people whose knowledge of either begins and ends with the Ramones and Led Zeppelin
• The music of the Red Hot Chili Peppers
  
• People who will claim that the psychedelic era of the Beatles was their best and that their pop era sucked, and then have the audacity to enjoy "Got To Get You Into My Life"
• Pitchfork Media talking about how much they love an album in the same way a drunk might tell you to your face how bad he wants to fuck your girlfriend
• Gene Simmons' opinions
  
• Animal Collective
• Those motherfucking Goddamn baby boomers
  

That should do it for now.

-CJ

Guydeath and Friends: A Serious Talk About Serious Music

Today, me and Aisha were talking via internet and the subject of metal came up. It started out as a tiny joke and eventually spiraled into something bigger and funnier. What follows is me and Aisha each adapting the personality of a "serious" metalhead and chatting about the intricacies of the genre. I thought it was funny enough to make an article about-you will have to be the judge as to whether I was correct or not. Bonus friend points to anyone who wants to do album art for any of the albums or bands mentioned.


CJ: I tried listening to Deicide.

I liked it until the guy started singing and then I cracked up.

Aisha: Yeeaaaah.

Deicide encompasses a lot of what I strongly dislike about death metal.

CJ: "Blarf blarf blarf blarf blarf blarf blarf blarf DEATH blarf blarf blarf blarf blarf SATAN"

Aisha: I like how there's a band called Godkiller and a band called Deicide.

"blarfarabar EATING BABIES blarblarblarf HEEEELLL"

CJ: Mankiller and Guydeath and Peopleend and Lifeisover and Deadfolks and Expiration Zeus Devil.

Sorry, I meant Expiration Zeus Devilman.

Aisha: Wait... these are real?

CJ: No, Christ no.

I would totally buy a Deadfolks album, though

Aisha: I like Guydeath, personally.

CJ: They're good for sure, their blast beats are a little weak though.

Aisha: I think the vocals get too choppy at points.

CJ: I like "Slaughter of the Maimed Angels", that album really brought back the Holfendarg Scene for me.

Aisha: And the chorus seems to run throughout the entire song.

CJ: "Dogfuck Pesticide" was a little too mainstream, to my ears-sounds like they were trying to emulate Peopleend a little too closely.But of course no REAL metalhead would call "Kraken of the Misconceived" anything less than a masterpiece.

Aisha: And ever since Lord Rotting Pope bled to death when crucifying himself for the album art of their next release, the drumming's never been the same.

CJ: Yeah, those blast beats just aren't as crunchy.

Although I think the singer's goatstutters really evolved over time.

Aisha: I really liked how they got a sheep to scream on their last single.

They're really adding a lot of innovation to the genre.I heard they actually tortured the sheep in the studio!
CJ: That's awesome! That completely validates everything they do!

Aisha: And then they offered it up to Satan so that the single would sell well.

CJ: 3,000 Norwegians can't be wrong!

Aisha: Then again, they can't sell too well.Otherwise I would stop listening to the mainstream pigs.

CJ: Yeah, then kids will start listening to them and I'll have to go back to the mall to scream at people. And it's not like my mom is made of gas money.

Aisha: Fucking sellouts, it's becoming every band now.

CJ:Fucking metalcore bitches have ruined every album I've ever owned.

They'll never get my Horsemaggot demos, though.

-CJ

No Age - Losing Feeling

2009; Sub Pop; Los Angeles, CA
noagela.blogspot.com



Some things just enter your head. Things you can't close your ears to because they get to you through your ear plugs, sneak in to your subconscious and bang around in there, become the unintentional soundtrack to your walking around life. I really didn't mean for this to happen to me with No Age. Though their live show can easily be described as the best around, I never really felt their intense almost violent punk energy fit onto to their records that well. The first time I saw them they played for eight dollars in a burnt out art studio/black box music venue in Oakland. It was like being hit by a steam train. I cannot describe the emotion. People moshing and trashing not so much out of a violent urge nor out of the shear fun but more like their life depended on it. Covered in sweat, much of it not my own. The whole crowd running out of energy wile the music cascaded over us but goddamnit not stopping or slowing. A tool grabs the mic, gets punched down by the drummer, the guitarist stands on the bass drum and falls backwards to surf the crowd, still playing, we're just trying not to get pushed into the symbols.

And then, I return home, rip out my new white record of Nouns, the band's first studio lp, and was wildly let down. More electronic, more expansive, less direct, less punk. The needle lifted and I thought - a few excellent tracks, a few good ones, but it doesn't hold together. I put the disc away. And yet, over the next year, without me realizing, the record found its way back on my turntable, over and over and over. Its not that the songs were stuck in my head so much as trapped in my mind, I couldn't shake them out. I listened to Nouns with more frequency then any other album of 2008, more then most every other album in general. It snuck up on me, when I wasn't looking, and by now it's hard for me to deny its absolute brilliance.

Aside from the two singles off Nouns, Loosing Feeling is the bands first realise since that record dropped. Four song ep, not available on cd. And again, I couldn't expect it. Though I contest that No Age is a punk band, and the best one around at that, it would be hard to say that this disc had even the smallest traces of punk on it at all. Instead the band pulls out their more ambient, darker side. More white noise then nihilist noise. The tracks are calm, they are smooth, they are slow and tidal. Drifting over you. And at first they are easy to forget and easy to ignore. And somehow, once again, they have penetrated my defenses, they have entered my mind and are swirling around in there. They are distracting me when I am walking around. The chanting chorus of "We're loooooooooosing feeeeeeeeeeeeeling" repeated and shouted. and it make you feel like those times your less than half awake, wandering around your room to turn off your alarm and hoping that sleep will take you back.

because, man, it doesn't seem like it at first but these four songs have power. And in their brevity and their thin presentation it is sometimes hard to believe they exist at all.

1. Losing Feeling
2. Genie
3. Aim at the Airport
4. Your a Target