Things in Music You Rarely See

• A progressive rock band with a drummer that's just sort of okay
• A Tool fan with more than a cursory knowledge of Eastern philosophy
• Two bassists
• A southern rock band where nobody has a drinking problem
• A room full of metalheads agreeing on something
• A rapper who makes a smart decision pertaining to crime
• A Belle and Sebastian fan who isn't a teenage girl
• Jazz music where you don't have to strain to pay attention to the entire song
• Tasteful synthesizer solos
• An industrial song that, in some way or another, isn't completely upsetting
• Sharon Osbourne doing or saying anything that isn't completely reprehensible
• A high-school anime club alumnus who doesn't listen to Dream Theater
• Someone who can coherently explain the appeal of the Dirty Projectors
• A sorority girl who's intimately familiar with the music of Steven Reich
• A man with a ton of Ipecac Records releases who you aren't afraid of being killed by
• A skateboard with a Genesis sticker on the bottom
• Rick Rubin producing something that surprises you
• The term "dance-punk" being applied to something that deserves it
• Anyone anywhere who still consistently listens to the Barenaked Ladies
• A Led Zeppelin song that's not better after three shots of whiskey
• Five consistently incredible electronica albums
• A large group of non-Brazilians who are excited for a Manowar concert
• A girl who likes indie music and absolutely refuses to make you a playlist
• A Shins concert completely devoid of humor
• A context where Jack White couldn't benefit from a swift kick in the pants
• A "Best Of" list where you don't get the urge to roll your eyes at least once
• Robert Christgau saying something sensible
• A Pitchfork Media review that doesn't feature five paragraphs of history before they actually tell you what the album sounds like
• Axl Rose with a haircut that everyone can get behind
• A teenage Radiohead fan who doesn't have an opinion
• A keyboardist and a guitarist who agree on the direction of the band
• A self-professed Roky Erickson fan
• A guitarist who describes himself as "classically trained" who isn't at least slightly boring
• A real-life Kansas devotee
• A sober roadie with healthy self esteem
• A shoegaze song where everyone seems to be having a great time
• Two men, a stack of funk albums, and no weed

-CJ