Metal Is Going To Be A Religion In The U.K

And that's fucking amazing.

For the benefit of the Brits, I wrote a Ten Commandments for metal and put it up on my Facebook. I'll put it up here also because

A) This blog hasn't updated in a while

B)The four or five people who read this blog outside of immediate friends and family might get a kick out of it

C) I'm sort of proud for whipping these up in just under 45 minutes

The Ten Commandments of Metal, by Chris Jones

1. Metal is the genre which brought ye out of the desert of popular radio, out of the bondage of simple riffs and boring harmonies. Thou shalt have no other genres before metal.

2. Thou shalt not make an altar out of False Metal. Poison, Stryper, Mr. Big, Korn, Disturbed, Slipknot-thou shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord of Metal, am a kickass Lord, visiting my wrath upon thou that would choose style over substance and chugging power chords over brutal, thrashing riffs, but yea do I throw up The Horns to those who love me and keep True Metal sacred.

3. Thou shalt not label thy music as “Metal” with reckless abandon, for the Lord of Metal shall smite those who would tune thine guitars slightly lower than ordinary and play vaguely faster than usual and proclaim thy music to be “Metal” with no care for the spirit of the genre. Thine house shall be visited by orcs and wizards most furious should ye be found guilty of Metal Duplicity.

4. Remember Black Sabbath, to keep them holy. For many years the Lord of Metal laid the foundations of Metal with the prophets Hendrix, Blue Cheer, Led Zeppelin, Cream, The Who, The Kinks and many more, but upon the release of Black Sabbath’s self-titled debut mine work was culminated. Thus the Lord blessed Black Sabbath and hallowed them.

5. Honor thy founders of the genre and their contributions, for that the days of Metal be long in front of you.

6. Thou shalt not sacrifice prowess with lyrics and riffs for technicality, for the worst thing that metal can achieve is to be boring. For dullness, more than any other sin, mocks the spirit of the genre.

7. Thou shalt not sell out.

8. Thou shalt not steal riffs.

9. Thou shalt not squabble needlessly with other bands, nor disrespect the fans, for unity is the lifeblood of Metal, and the Mosh Pit be our holy communion.

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor band’s equipment; thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s drunk girlfriend, nor his autographed copy of " Powerslave", nor his killer sound setup, nor his sweet-ass van, nor his limited edition Slayer t-shirt, nor anything of your neighbor’s that thou art too much of a lazy prick to get thyself.

Now...let us mosh!


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